you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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