you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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