Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
