my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
