Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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