if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
