no, he came in my armpit
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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