I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I am naked and annoyed.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize