Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize