i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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