census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
