i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
