you traded sex for a burrito?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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