nut hugger
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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