I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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