I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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