Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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