i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
