my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
