Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
