That's intense
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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