now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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