I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
