We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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