I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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