So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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