____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
