she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
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