drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
