is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
