Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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