Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
