your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
