First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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