sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
