no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
