no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
