I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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