Apparently you make a good broom.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
