david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
