Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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