My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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