Buhtt sex?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
