mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
