I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
