im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Randomize
