I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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