Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
