who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
