No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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