the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
