if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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