She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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