I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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