we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
