those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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