i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
