i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
