I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
