Cold hands, warm shart.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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