You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is Oprah even human
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize