Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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